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Early Relationships Matter! February 2010 |
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In this issue: Stop yelling, Daddy! Infant Mental Health Certificate Program now accepting applications 2010 statewide infant mental health conference Infant mental health provider directory Ask the expert Job announcement: Clinical director Upcoming events Gifts to WI-AIMH Newsletter submissions |
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Stop yelling,
Daddy! This article originally appeared in the June 2009 issue of the Fatherhood Project newsletter. It is reprinted here with permission. No matter how hard I try, no matter how mindful I attempt to be--I sometimes find myself yelling at one or both of my kids. It never lasts very long and it's always after an extended amount of crying, screaming, food throwing or obsessive-compulsive behavior that rivals Mr. Monk's (from the USA TV show). It seems that I cannot get through a weekend without yelling about something. And this weekend was no exception. It was our 11-year anniversary. The babysitter canceled on us, so instead of a romantic adult dinner at a nice Italian restaurant, we settled for a family outing at Quaker Steak & Lube. As the name suggests, this is not your ordinary "anniversary dinner." At least not for us. Max, 4, began a tirade of wanting more macaroni and cheese WAY before he was done eating what he had in front of him. Relentless, he continued to repeat his desire for more. I tried many ways of reasoning with him to stop. Since his brother Joss, almost 2, was flinging his macaroni and cheese off his plate, I deftly gave some to Max who ate it and stopped complaining. OK, that wasn't so hard. Now Joss starts screaming. Not because I gave his brother some of his food, but because he's done. He's ready to go. NOW. My wife has barely eaten and my beer is far from finished. We do our best to eat what we can. I realize this situation is a great way to help people lose weight. Under this type of stress, one simply does not have an appetite! On the way to the car ... Everything has calmed down. I've managed to hold it together until I try to put Joss in the car. He grabs onto the metal rods holding up the passenger-side headrest. He clutches them with the will and the strength of a gorilla who is really hungry for the very last banana (or the most desirable mate). Now he's just trying to tell me (in his 2-year-old way), "Hey Dad, listen, sorry but I'm not ready to get in my car seat yet. Maybe you could give me a minute ..." But I'm not hearing him. I just want him to sit in the car seat! I finally pry his fingers off the headrest and get him in the seat. He's screaming and fighting me and then he kicks me in the face (not intentionally)! That was it. I saw red. I lost it. I started screaming at the top of my lungs in the middle of the Quaker Steak & Lube parking lot about how he was "being a bad boy. BAD BOY! Stop it! Stop it now!" Another weekend tainted. Another chance at setting a good example lost. It doesn't matter (at least not at that moment) that I set hundreds of good examples for my boys every week. This is simply not a habit I am proud of, it's not who I want to be. My father yelled a lot when I was a kid (big surprise there), and now I am teaching my kids the same thing. And I can't seem to stop. The whole incident may have lasted 20 seconds, but three days later I am still ashamed and incredibly disappointed with myself. It's not that my son's behavior was acceptable. It wasn't. But he's not even 2. The problem is that my behavior is unacceptable -- at any age. I've given this much thought, because I realize "trying harder" to stay calm is not the answer. It won't work unless I address the underlying factors that are causing me to be so volatile. Joss' behavior was only the catalyst. The real problem is my frustration. I'm tired and overwhelmed. My wife has diabetes and gallbladder problems, and I'm scared of losing her. I miss my boys all day while I'm at work. And although I am very happy to have a good job, it is quite often VERY FRUSTRATING! We're 800 miles from everyone we know, everyone we can depend on for help. We are alone out here in Wisconsin. Money always seems to be an issue, and there's a ton of stuff to do in order to maintain our home. Hey, I know most (if not all) parents have this same amount of stress. I'm not saying my case is special. But I'm having trouble finding a solution. Yelling always has seemed like an inferior way to handle a situation with my boys, unless they are in immediate danger. Now, author Mark Brady, PhD, reveals that yelling at our kids goes way beyond parental guilt and hurt feelings. In his book, A Father's Book of Listening: Essential Practices for Truly Loving Our Children, he explains that yelling can cause long-term emotional damage, and it can negatively affect brain development. "If you're a parent who attempts to control, reprimand, discipline or get your kids' attention by screaming at them, psychologist Sarah Radcliff suggests this is a negative parenting pattern that you don't want to continue. Whether you know it or not, whether you believe it or not, research shows that screaming parents cause their children considerable harm. A study in a 2001 Journal of American Psychiatry agrees: emotional abuse was more predictive of mental illness than either physical or sexual abuse! This came as a shock to me. But this next part is just plain scary... Screaming at children significantly impairs their brain development. Allan Shore, MD, at the UCLA Neuropsychiatric Institute, explains that a number of times, all through development, children's brains undergo massive pruning -- as much as 50 percent of the brain's 200 billion neurons. And which brain structures ultimately receive the bulk of that pruning has great impact on development. If you scream at your children, you repeatedly activate structures in the limbic system like the amygdala and the hippocampus -- structures that regulate "flight or fight" reactions. Repeated activation tells the brain that the environment is not safe, thus a maximum amount of interconnecting neurons in these areas must remain intact. Because pruning has to happen, neurons will be pruned from structures like the frontal cortex where higher-order functions tend to be regulated. Thus, screaming at your kids works to impair their intellectual and emotional development ... This information has helped me be more mindful about yelling at my boys. It seems the stakes are much higher than I thought. It is difficult though. Realistically, I know that sometimes I'm going to raise my voice. Like most parents, I'm exhausted, overworked and stressed -- in other words, I'm out of balance. But for my kids' sake, I need to keep my cool when I'm feeling bombarded by whining, tantrums, harping, freaking out, destructive behavior and other nasty things that healthy 2- and 4-year-olds have a tendency to do. I'm not saying to let the kids rule the home. I'm just suggesting that there are other ways to deal with them. Ways that don't involve long-term damage. |
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Infant Mental
Health Certificate Program information available
Application forms and information updates about
the University of Wisconsin Infant, Early Childhood and Family
Mental Health Certificate are now available. http://www.dcs.wisc.edu/pda/mental-health/infant.htm The application deadline is March 15, 2010. The program will launch June 14, 2010 at the Wisconsin Infant and Early Childhood Mental Health Conference. |
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2010 statewide
infant mental health conference
This conference is intended for all professionals working with children ages 0 to 5 and will provide a forum for sharing new information on promoting social and emotional development in your everyday activities with infants, young children and their families. Early intervention and treatment strategies will also be presented. Learn about programs, policies, resources and community activities supporting healthy social-emotional development within the context of care giving relationships, community and culture. The Grand Geneva Resort and Spa is a world-class complex that has earned Travel Green Wisconsin certification for its eco-friendly practices. Its many amenities make it an ideal venue for business, entertainment and relaxation. An exceptional room rate of $82 per night will be available beginning Saturday, June 12 -- plan your summer vacation around the infant mental health conference and bring your whole family! Online registration for the conference will open March 15. Check our web site for further details. |
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Infant mental health provider
directory WI-AIMH continues to seek qualified infant and early childhood mental health clinicians for a new provider directory. The information we collect will be used as a referral resource and is intended to help increase access to infant mental health services statewide. If you are a Wisconsin-licensed clinician currently working with young children and their families, we invite you to participate. Go to the WI-AIMH web site to download an explanatory letter and the provider data form: http://www.wiaimh.org/resources/imhproviders.htm. |
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Ask the
expert Do you have questions or concerns regarding social-emotional development or your work related to infants, young children and their families? Ask the expert! E-mail jhack@wiaimh.org with your questions related to infant mental health policy, research, practice or resources. We may edit questions for space and clarity for inclusion in this newsletter. Names will be used only with permission. For more information and to see an archive of previous questions, see our web site: http://www.wiaimh.org/ask_the_expert.htm. |
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Job announcement:
clinical director Clinical Director
needed for overall administration of Penfield Children’s Center’s
Behavior Clinic, a mental health service for children under 5 years
of age. Responsible for acquiring and maintaining Medicaid
certification and billing. Supervision and training of clinical
staff and students. Provision of direct clinical services to
children and their families. Qualifications include a Licensed
Professional Counselor with 5 years of experience or a licensed
psychologist. Submit resume with salary requirements to Penfield
Children’s Center, Human Resource Dept. 833 N. 26th Street,
Milwaukee, WI 53233. |
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Upcoming
events Fulfilling the Promise
Preserving Early Childhood Conference
23rd Annual Together for Children Conference
Wisconsin Infant
and Early Childhood Mental Health Conference
12th World
Congress of the World Assn for Infant Mental Health Links to more information about these events can be found on our web calendar at: http://www.wiaimh.org/education/calendar.htm. |
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Your continuing support of WI-AIMH’s mission is very much appreciated. Gifts to WI-AIMH are tax-deductible and are welcome at any time. If you would like to contribute, please mail your check to the address below. For more information, contact Therese Ahlers at (608) 442-8036 or e-mail: tahlers@wiaimh.org. Support WI-AIMH
with your online shopping |
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WI-AIMH
welcomes submissions for publication in this newsletter. Our staff
will review and select articles based on the suitability and
timeliness of the subject matter presented. Articles on activities
related to infant mental health in various Wisconsin communities, as
well as policy updates, especially are welcome. If you have
something to contribute, please call (608) 442-0360 or e-mail
admin@wiaimh.org. |
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Subscribe If this newsletter has been forwarded to you and you would like to subscribe, send an e-mail to wiecmha-news-on@list.wiimh.org. Please include your contact information. We will not share it with anyone else without your permission.
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Wisconsin Alliance for Infant Mental Health (WI-AIMH) 133 S. Butler Street, Suite 340 Madison, WI 53703 608-442-0360
WI-AIMH is a program of Children's Service Society of Wisconsin. |